shutthefukup

i found someone who totally took my mind off all the bad and made my heart quit hurting... and then i pushed him away... i'm such an idiot.

because what MIGHT have happend. my heart wont quit hurting. its like everytime i think about him my heart is tearing. its weird.

havent worked out in a week. i feel like a blob.
i just want to feel ok for once.

ive been having bad nightmares. havent been sleeping well..
it sucks big time.

but at least i can say i saw a picture of you with her the other day and i didnt even flinch.. that was amazing..
(i actually thought you looked like shit.. but thats beside the point. haha)

i'm doing a lot of things that are bad for me.
like texting you everyday...
even though i know it will end like it always does..

you out to sea and me broken hearted.

not to mention the retarded amount of excersize i do everyday... everyday i work my ass off is one day closer to being out of here..


i guess i have a dream i'll join up, and then meet the man who will sweep me off my feet...


thats just not int he card.

I haven't written in here in soo long. No one reads its so i guess this is the perfect outlet..

today i feel like i can't breath. so many worries on my chest.. so many things i cant change that i want to. i moved to georgia thinking it would help me figure things out. in a way it has.. but in a way its made things just that much more confusing. there isn't a day that goes by that i dont miss mark. i want to be over him. i want to be done. its been over 2 years. i lie and say its cool we are good friends.. but it makes me sick to think hes not with me. i want him to be happy, even if that means i'm miserable. i don't think i can be happy without him. i've tried to fill the void but it doesnt work. it always turns out for the worse and then theres another heart thats hurt. i like to sabotage things.. i guess its my little revenge.. i always think its a good idea but it never is.. it just leaves me hurting and that other person hurting.

as of recently i've thrown everything into working out trying to get into the army. i feel like its the only way. i've become so self consious of myself. of everything. from my personality to my height to my weight. i worry constantly of what people think of me. i can say this here because no one will read it.. i'm totally ok with the thought of going overseas and possibly not coming back. doesnt even frighten me. because at least then i know i'll have done something worth while.

some days are so much better than others. today isn't one of them. i just wanna rewind to 2006. i miss my dad, i miss mark, i miss the me that wasn't broken...

how do you get over something like this?
will i ever be ok again?
its been 2 years and i don't feel like it will...


just an update

so it had been like 3 months since i last posted.. not that anyone reads this.. umm money is tight, i'm still smoking a pack a day and mark and i finally set a date for our wedding! we are paying for it ourselves so we're planning now! i'm so excited. if you're lucky you'll get an invite!

my dad passed away thursday night. im empty. theres a huge void inmy life. i cant do this.

hi!

Sorry no lj cut!

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have been told alot lately im tough, i should be able to handle whats thrown my way. but i feel like i can't. i feel like no matter how hard i try at the end of the day i can't control the turmoil and chaos that goes on in my head. i do a good job of hiding it... but at night time when i am in my bed all alone it hits me. only one person really knows, and i'm afraid that all these problems I have are ripping us apart. i'm so scared, i'm so afraid, i'm mad and jealous and angry and everything you can think of i am. i'm lonely, i'm sad... my head hasn't quite been right for almost a year. i have a constant lump in my throat and everything is wearing on me. my emotions are getting the best of me. i'm sorry if i've been mean to you in the last 10 months. i'm sorry if i've said things that were incredibly harsh... i'm sorry if i've neglected our friendship... i'm sorry i don't return phone calls.. or make them at all. i'm working through things. its hard but i'm trying. i'm also trying to keep a smile on my face but with each passing day it gets harder and harder... i'm sorry if i havent been happy for you... i'm sorry i've been distant.. i'm sorry for all the excuses. i'm just in a lot of pain. i'm sorry.

"We're all going to Hell. We're goin to Hell for the songs we sing. God gave us a fine apple and he said not to touch it. He didn't say touch it every once in a while he said DON'T TOUCH IT! Don't THINK about touchin' it, don't SING about touchin' it, don't even think about singing about touchin it!" -jerry lee lewis

spent the weekend in myrtle beach. all i can say is it was pure insanity. lots of booze, cigarettes and sex.. but none for me.
i was still drunk this morning when i woke up. i feel better now. just TIRED!

pictures soon to come.


last night i laid on the beach drunk out of my mind smoking a cigar and wathcing the tide come in. it was the most beautiful emotional thing i have ever done. then the tide came up and put my cigar out and i couldnt help but cry. haha

i am going to richmond tomorrow.


i NEED this.

baby boy in 11 days. i like seeing him every month. it's hella nice.

finally able to download music. its incredible.

i have a headache.


that is all

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i had the most amazing time in new york. got home around 1 last night. it was a struggle to leave the airport.
mark totally shocked me at the airport. i love him but he's never on time. but when i walked out from the terminal he was standing right there. i was completly shocked.he looked amazing. we got my bags and headed back to glen cove. we got breakfast and headed to scranton to see nina. we went swimming in the insanly nice hotel. scared the shit out of nina by trying to kiss her.. and had a good time.

day 2 we got up and headed back to long island. we stopped at the delaware water gap.. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. it was amazing. seriously. pictures to come soon. we got back to long island, had lunch went to the mall, where i bought NOTHING, checked into our hotel and proceeded to have a "sick" hotel party. haha riiiiiiight.

day 3 drove up to poughkeepsie to see chrissie. that was awesome. it's been like 2 years since i last saw her. we had dinner and went bowling. we all suck and chrissie should be pro. met her boyfriend who is super nice and she even let us sleep on her floor. with the condition no sex was to be had in her living room.

day 4 got up, said goodbye to chrrise and headed back to long island once again. got a hotel, which was GROSS, and had dinner with a few of marks friends. sat on the backporch and got stoned, which was nice i was so reaxed. it felt good.headed back to the hotel.

day 5. got up checked out and went to the beach/park. we had a nice lunch there and just walked around. we just spent the rest of the day hanging out together. just being with him makes me so happy. at around 7 we headed to the airport.. got lost, got found, got really sad. we said goodbye and i cried until i boarded the plane. i sat next to a 15 year old who wouldn't stop staring at me. got home ok. cait picked me up and went home and of course, called mark. talked for a bit and then went to bed.

with all that said, i love newyork and mark gumbrecht. he's the best.

pictures soon!

ps. on day 5 we also watched home movie of mark when he was little. it was the best.. he was so cute. haha i just wanted to add that part.

i had a rough night tonight. i went to a wedding of a friend of mine. it was so beautiful. she was beautiful he was beautiful everything was perfect. all of their family was there. hers from sc and ga his from the bahamas. all of their grandparents were still alive.

that made me so jealous. all during the wedding and the reception was how i am not going ot get to share my wedding day with my granny and papa. when i was little all i ever thought about was all of my family being at my wedding. mainly my grandparents. i never in a millions thought they were going to die. they were invincible.indestructable . everytime i think about them not being here anymore its like someone stabbing me in the heart. my grandmother was such a big part of my life. its like my heart doesn't beat the same way anymore. because a part of it is missing. everyone says losing a loved one is hard and i should know that. i've lost a few. but nothing has ever hurt this bad. i've been crying all night. i just need someone to talk to, and the person i want to talk to is entirely to busy to talk to me.

i hate this. i hate this feelings. my granny was suppose to be here for all the big things in my life. my wedding, when i have babies, but she's not. it hurts so much. i feel like i cant even function right now. my brain is mush. it's a struggle to type. i just want to go to sleep forever...

i want to not be here anymore.