got caught holding a losing hand.

....

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:34:26 GMT

I haven't written in here in soo long. No one reads its so i guess this is the perfect outlet..

today i feel like i can't breath. so many worries on my chest.. so many things i cant change that i want to. i moved to georgia thinking it would help me figure things out. in a way it has.. but in a way its made things just that much more confusing. there isn't a day that goes by that i dont miss mark. i want to be over him. i want to be done. its been over 2 years. i lie and say its cool we are good friends.. but it makes me sick to think hes not with me. i want him to be happy, even if that means i'm miserable. i don't think i can be happy without him. i've tried to fill the void but it doesnt work. it always turns out for the worse and then theres another heart thats hurt. i like to sabotage things.. i guess its my little revenge.. i always think its a good idea but it never is.. it just leaves me hurting and that other person hurting.

as of recently i've thrown everything into working out trying to get into the army. i feel like its the only way. i've become so self consious of myself. of everything. from my personality to my height to my weight. i worry constantly of what people think of me. i can say this here because no one will read it.. i'm totally ok with the thought of going overseas and possibly not coming back. doesnt even frighten me. because at least then i know i'll have done something worth while.

some days are so much better than others. today isn't one of them. i just wanna rewind to 2006. i miss my dad, i miss mark, i miss the me that wasn't broken...

how do you get over something like this?
will i ever be ok again?
its been 2 years and i don't feel like it will...

just an update

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 03:16:13 GMT

so it had been like 3 months since i last posted.. not that anyone reads this.. umm money is tight, i'm still smoking a pack a day and mark and i finally set a date for our wedding! we are paying for it ourselves so we're planning now! i'm so excited. if you're lucky you'll get an invite!

Luciano Pavarotti died.

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 16:59:40 GMT

I absolutly adored this man. I cried so hard when i read he'd passed away. CNN's headline read Heaven now has a tenor. So true.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:42:02 GMT

my dad passed away thursday night. im empty. theres a huge void inmy life. i cant do this.

Tue, 30 May 2006 01:27:32 GMT

hi!

MEXICO!

Wed, 17 May 2006 02:04:28 GMT

Sorry no lj cut!

Tue, 16 May 2006 03:23:12 GMT

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 04:40:27 GMT

this was my valentines day. i miss longisland.

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 22:37:30 GMT

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sorry.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 04:11:46 GMT

have been told alot lately im tough, i should be able to handle whats thrown my way. but i feel like i can't. i feel like no matter how hard i try at the end of the day i can't control the turmoil and chaos that goes on in my head. i do a good job of hiding it... but at night time when i am in my bed all alone it hits me. only one person really knows, and i'm afraid that all these problems I have are ripping us apart. i'm so scared, i'm so afraid, i'm mad and jealous and angry and everything you can think of i am. i'm lonely, i'm sad... my head hasn't quite been right for almost a year. i have a constant lump in my throat and everything is wearing on me. my emotions are getting the best of me. i'm sorry if i've been mean to you in the last 10 months. i'm sorry if i've said things that were incredibly harsh... i'm sorry if i've neglected our friendship... i'm sorry i don't return phone calls.. or make them at all. i'm working through things. its hard but i'm trying. i'm also trying to keep a smile on my face but with each passing day it gets harder and harder... i'm sorry if i havent been happy for you... i'm sorry i've been distant.. i'm sorry for all the excuses. i'm just in a lot of pain. i'm sorry.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 06:21:40 GMT

"We're all going to Hell. We're goin to Hell for the songs we sing. God gave us a fine apple and he said not to touch it. He didn't say touch it every once in a while he said DON'T TOUCH IT! Don't THINK about touchin' it, don't SING about touchin' it, don't even think about singing about touchin it!" -jerry lee lewis

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 23:42:45 GMT

spent the weekend in myrtle beach. all i can say is it was pure insanity. lots of booze, cigarettes and sex.. but none for me.
i was still drunk this morning when i woke up. i feel better now. just TIRED!

pictures soon to come.

last night i laid on the beach drunk out of my mind smoking a cigar and wathcing the tide come in. it was the most beautiful emotional thing i have ever done. then the tide came up and put my cigar out and i couldnt help but cry. haha

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 18:56:25 GMT

i am going to richmond tomorrow.

i NEED this.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 01:09:36 GMT

baby boy in 11 days. i like seeing him every month. it's hella nice.

finally able to download music. its incredible.

i have a headache.

that is all

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 11:35:00 GMT

Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
1) What would you do if adoublen died? I would cry a good bit. Be rather depressed.
2) One thing you can't stand about tinatracy? nothing really. she's a good friend.
3) What color should shesaheretic dye their hair? bright ass orange
4) tiney_love__'s hair color? dark brow/black. sometimes a hue of red
5) How many monkeys could hymenxholocaust fight at once and win against? 370000000000
6) Would you wrestle greaser_fuck_up in jello? UHH YEAH!!!!!!
7) Would you make out with tinatracy? sure, if the money was good.
8) Is adoublen your best friend? used to be a long time ago. but people grow up and grow apart sometimes.
9) What is notimetowaste's favorite food? i don't know. i'm going to say hamburger steak.
10) Thoughts on shesaheretic? she's very sweet.
11) adoublen's eye color? brown i believe
12) What is thesword_vs_sin's favorite movie? omg he has so many. at the current moment, the anchorman.
13) What rank would thesword_vs_sin have in a giant robot army? general?
14) What would hymenxholocaust think of shesaheretic? they would probably get along.
15) Is anteupxxx a college student? she goes to cosmetology school./
16) Is amandaramaaa friends with xpipebombx? i think they are. yeah yeah they are
17) If anteupxxx took over the world, who would suffer? hha dumb people
18) Are greaser_fuck_up and hymenxholocaust married? NO WAY!
19) Is greaser_fuck_up single? ummmm NO!
20) If tiney_love__ took over the world, who would be happy? i dont know?
21) What mental disorder does hymenxholocaust remind you of? haha none
22) How long would greaser_fuck_up dating tiney_love__ last? they would never date. totally not each others type.
23) Where did you first meet tinatracy? bme
24) What do you agree with tinatracy about? a whole heap o shit
25) What word best describes tinatracy? fucking awesome.

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 15:26:56 GMT

i had the most amazing time in new york. got home around 1 last night. it was a struggle to leave the airport.
mark totally shocked me at the airport. i love him but he's never on time. but when i walked out from the terminal he was standing right there. i was completly shocked.he looked amazing. we got my bags and headed back to glen cove. we got breakfast and headed to scranton to see nina. we went swimming in the insanly nice hotel. scared the shit out of nina by trying to kiss her.. and had a good time.

day 2 we got up and headed back to long island. we stopped at the delaware water gap.. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. it was amazing. seriously. pictures to come soon. we got back to long island, had lunch went to the mall, where i bought NOTHING, checked into our hotel and proceeded to have a "sick" hotel party. haha riiiiiiight.

day 3 drove up to poughkeepsie to see chrissie. that was awesome. it's been like 2 years since i last saw her. we had dinner and went bowling. we all suck and chrissie should be pro. met her boyfriend who is super nice and she even let us sleep on her floor. with the condition no sex was to be had in her living room.

day 4 got up, said goodbye to chrrise and headed back to long island once again. got a hotel, which was GROSS, and had dinner with a few of marks friends. sat on the backporch and got stoned, which was nice i was so reaxed. it felt good.headed back to the hotel.

day 5. got up checked out and went to the beach/park. we had a nice lunch there and just walked around. we just spent the rest of the day hanging out together. just being with him makes me so happy. at around 7 we headed to the airport.. got lost, got found, got really sad. we said goodbye and i cried until i boarded the plane. i sat next to a 15 year old who wouldn't stop staring at me. got home ok. cait picked me up and went home and of course, called mark. talked for a bit and then went to bed.

with all that said, i love newyork and mark gumbrecht. he's the best.

pictures soon!

ps. on day 5 we also watched home movie of mark when he was little. it was the best.. he was so cute. haha i just wanted to add that part.

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 18:34:12 GMT

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 03:17:46 GMT

i had a rough night tonight. i went to a wedding of a friend of mine. it was so beautiful. she was beautiful he was beautiful everything was perfect. all of their family was there. hers from sc and ga his from the bahamas. all of their grandparents were still alive.

that made me so jealous. all during the wedding and the reception was how i am not going ot get to share my wedding day with my granny and papa. when i was little all i ever thought about was all of my family being at my wedding. mainly my grandparents. i never in a millions thought they were going to die. they were invincible.indestructable . everytime i think about them not being here anymore its like someone stabbing me in the heart. my grandmother was such a big part of my life. its like my heart doesn't beat the same way anymore. because a part of it is missing. everyone says losing a loved one is hard and i should know that. i've lost a few. but nothing has ever hurt this bad. i've been crying all night. i just need someone to talk to, and the person i want to talk to is entirely to busy to talk to me.

i hate this. i hate this feelings. my granny was suppose to be here for all the big things in my life. my wedding, when i have babies, but she's not. it hurts so much. i feel like i cant even function right now. my brain is mush. it's a struggle to type. i just want to go to sleep forever...

i want to not be here anymore.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 04:31:06 GMT

$115 in tips tonight. i've worked 3 nights this week and i've made close to $300... i think it was a wise choice to quit my other job.
i went to wal mart tonight, and totally forgot it was the release of the new harry potter. i'm not knocking people who are into that.. not at all, just the guy who was wearing crate paper trying to pretend he was the treee from the movie.

sunday sunday sunday! i dont wanna say what im doing sunday because i dont wanna jinx myself.

i made a new friend at work. she's so nice. i'm excited.

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 16:10:04 GMT

1. one lie youve told me
2. a song i should listen to
3. what place i hold in your heart
4. share a picture

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 15:23:32 GMT

so let me give you a more in depth look at my weekend in augusta.
sunday woke up late, left late. actually made a pit stop aat wal mart and wendys before we left. drove, drove, drove, FINALLY MADE IT. park see the boy and then i hug for for about an hour. we were connected at the hip the entire 2 days. there was a 45 minute period when i ran to grab aa bite to eat and left him. other than that we were never apart. saw his band, which was awesome. the 2nd night they played he was on stage and looked at me and smiled in the middle of a SICK BREAKDOWN. it made my night. he's incredible. met some amaaaaaaaaaazing people. we stayed in a budget inn both nights. wasn't to bad. it had a pool. which on the second night we invited the band back to swim with us.

had lots of conversations with the boy. some decision were made. the main one being, we are so in love its retarded. i know i've done some things in the past that could have completly ruined us, but i know now for sure he's the one. i'm sure no one really cares about this,, but i felt like writing it. ONLY A MONTH MORE TIL I SEE HIM AGAIN!

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 15:17:20 GMT

baby boy is on tour. i talked to him last night, he sounds happy. that makes me happy. i get to see him in 4 days.. holy shit, it's been 4 months since i last saw him. my stomach gets all knotty when i think about it.

next month i'll be going to ny for a couple of days, and then he and i will be driving back here.

umm omg i'm excited.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 03:21:07 GMT

sometimes i think i have lost my mind..

then i am reassured...

i have indeed lost my mind.

"You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 18:33:17 GMT

i've been a lot of trouble to a lot of people lately. one in particular. i'm sorry. i'm on edge. i have no excuses for the way i've been acting. irrational, irresponsible, childish... i'm bored with life. i need to change things. i need to grow up. i just watched the notebook. i am still crying... i wish i hadn't now im depressed.

"Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. "

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day"

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 15:41:22 GMT

seattle pictures!!!!

me and a light house.

me and my childhood best friend

me and a totem pole.

the rest of the pictures are boring.